blog4purpose

My life up to now has been full of schooling, fellowship and structure.  However, as this year comes closer and closer to an end, I realize how my life is going to change…drastically. The hard part about the future is running into the unknown.  This battle of flesh and faith constantly at the helm of my ship.  A ship that can take wrong turns which could lead to disaster.  I see God, but I don’t know how to follow.  Prayer seems repetitive and action is required, but the action I want to take could be my downfall.  The constant fear of doing something wrong holds me back from a dream so far-fetched.  Is this dream right or wrong? I don’t know. Is it from God? I am unsure. How and when will I know? Never. Is it time I just step through the door, even with the possibility of failure?  I draw to a final conclusion of yes, but not a comforting yes.  It’s a yes of faith.  The yes where there are still worries, doubts, and fears.  The yes where only God can come through.  I can’t take the yes upon my shoulders, but I can only rest upon Him alone.  My desire is that this will stir something inside of you and keep you thirsting after Jesus.

It felt like yesterday when I began to attend First Korean Baptist Church.  I remember going there not to experience God, but to hang out with my friends, meet girls, and to play silly games.  I had no clue what death meant and I did not desire Jesus.  I thought Christians were weird, constantly singing their silly songs (funny part about it now is I am a worship leader).  Along the way I met Eddie Smith, a fun kid.  We would constantly be competing to get attention from people, even if it meant cutting each other down.  I would think as the years went on it continued to happen, but as we both got to know Jesus more we turned away from our silly childish games.  We continued to grow up and when college began, I decided to continue pursuing my faith.  This is where my story about Eddie ends, because in college I lost track of the people who went to FKBC, losing touch with some solid Christians who grew me in my faith. With all this said, my desire is that you have a personal relationship with Jesus.  Not because you should, but because you want to. He loves you the same even when you don’t love Him. I said my story with Eddie ended, but it didn’t.  He passed away Oct 25, 2009 in a tragic car accident, a week and two days before his 22nd birthday.  Even though at some points we had anger and malice toward each other, deep down I respected and loved Eddie.  He had Jesus in his heart and I know he is looking down on us. Happy Birthday Eddie Smith.

A part of me says I’m tired of it.  A part of me is ready to give up.  But…my passion is so strong. I am a fighter and a winner, even if I fall I’m going to keep going at it.  Sometimes going at something may require me to hit it at a different angle, but eventually I hope to break through.  I’ll fight no matter the cost.  I’ll fight to the death if I’m passionate about it.

I think of a mother black bear when she is protecting her young. She will fight off all the predators, even if she puts herself in danger.

Sometimes life just requires passion and we must not waiver.